God's Point Of View

How Binding are the Marriage Vows to the Church?

By Rev. D. Earl Cripe

Possible Exceptions and Other Related Discussions

In conclusion of the 7th commandment, there are basically four things that I would like to discuss with you about marriage and divorce, separation, and abusive, relationships and immoral behavior on the part of marriage partners. Some are brief reviews, and two are new ground insofar as this series is concerned. I will give these rules as if they are true and absolute because it gets tiresome for both of us if I am constantly saying, “Now, remember, that this is my opinion...” Of course these are my opinions. I have no other opinions to rely on and would not give others if I had them. I am telling you what I understand, think and believe. Whether or not these things are so is for you to decide.

Marriage and Divorce

The rule concerning marriage and divorce is a Christian matter of discipline and moral integrity in the Church. We are not dealing here with a sin that God cannot forgive. We are talking about what is and is not acceptable behavior in the Church of the living God. What people did before they became Christians should be of no interest or concern to any of us. St. Paul was a sadist and a murderer. Some of the early people wanted to take that into consideration, but God over-ruled them. The godly people said only that now this man, who once destroyed the faith, is preaching and propagating it and they glorified God. If people come to Christ and they have been divorced and remarried, that will not concern any legitimate Church or Christian leader. This distinction is clearly made in two biblical passages. One is in I Corinthians 5:9-13, and it reads:

“I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators: Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world. But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.”

Here the Apostle makes it clear that Christian discipline, when it comes to who we allow into our fellowship, properly deals with Christian brethren and not with those of the world. When a man comes to Christ, his past, insofar as his behavior in the brotherhood is concerned, is wiped out and he starts new. We are concerned with what he does from here on out, and not what he did in his unregenerate days. If people come to us and they are married, we are concerned that they stay married and that they behave as married people ought to behave. There is a stifling legalism and Old Testament error committed buy those who refuse fellowship to those who were divorced and remarried before they came to Christ. The error is simply one of believing that our good works, even before we were Christians, commend us to God. I would not want to be in such a person’s shoes in the day of judgment, so obvious, grievous and wrong is this judgment.

The other passage is in I Corinthians 7:12-14:

“But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.”

The issue here is whether or not a person who comes to the Lord should continue to live with and raise children with an unbeliever. The Apostle’s answer is yes, you may do that, although this is advice and not a commandment. God will not demand that a believer live with an unbeliever, but he wants us to know that it is acceptable. The reason is that the marriage is sanctified, as is the unbeliever in terms of the marriage being a holy estate in the eyes of God, by the believer. In that case, the children are clean, whereas the children of an unbelieving marriage are unholy. The issue here is whether or not infant children, who die before reaching the accountable years or who are alive at the coming of the Lord, will be included in eternal life or whether they will be eternally destroyed. This issue has gotten emotional beyond reasonable discussion because of the influences of Plato in the doctrine of the Church and the believe that the natural soul is eternal and immortal. This is not supported anywhere in the Bible that I know of. The soul that sins shall die is what the Bible says. Since infant children never have the opportunity to chose Christ, what about them? If they are children of a Christian marriage they will live eternally because, until they reach the accountable years, they are covered by the faith of the parent. That is what it means for them to be clean instead of unholy. I realize that this may be different from your beliefs and teachings, and that is alright because that is not the point of the moment. The point is that a clear distinction in the mind of God is made between believers and unbelievers when it comes to marriage. All unbelieving unions are evil and unholy in the sight of God and the children of such unions are unclean. This passage makes that clear. Therefore the unbeliever cannot be living in a sanctified state, even if he is married to the same one wife, when he comes to Christ, and the same is true of the wife. So we see that the rule of the Church concerning marriage and divorce applies only to Christian people. 1Cor. 7:17-20:

“But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches. Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God. Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.”

The message here is clear enough. If you are called being married, do not become unmarried. It will do you no more good, where righteousness is concerned, than to become uncircumcised. If you go to a church that will not accept your marriage that you are in when you come to the Lord, then leave and go somewhere else. That church is legalistic, and understands neither the biblical doctrine of marriage and divorce in the Church, nor the doctrines of grace and forgiveness.

Separation for Just Cause

A Christian woman may separate from a husband (and the same in reverse) if he is an unbeliever. However, if she does, it is clear that she must remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. 1Cor. 7:10, 11 say:

“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.”

Unlike the previous instruction, this is a commandment and there are no options. The Christian involved has taken it upon him or herself to breach the union. That may be done, and only done for valid reasons (and Christian leaders should want to look into this) but it does not give the believer the liberty to divorce and remarry. If the person involved has tired of the person to whom he or she is married and wishes to use this as a first step to divorce and remarry, then let that person know that this will not be allowed by God or the legitimate and faithful Church.

Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are not, contrary to what the woman’s movements of today would have us believe, and automatic reason for separation. In fact, the Bible does not cite this as a reason for separation. In the spirit of separation from an unbeliever, godly men will consider that extreme, life threatening, or other indefensible situations, extend separation as an option. But in light of the fact that the alternative is to stay single, one might well think long and hard about an abusive situation before walking out of it. What is the nature of the abuse? How much of it has been brought on by the abused? Is there hope of change? Is the abuse of the nature that makes single life with its sexual, monetary and social pressures, a better alternative? What are some of the situations on the bases of which I would allow separation in our Church? Serious physical harm and perhaps even life-threatening situations, serious active criminal behavior such as robbery, drug dealing, murder, gang participation, and that sort of thing. We would also consider a known pattern of adultery that was unrepented of, unconfessed and on-going, and certainly any homosexual or lesbian activity.

Is There Any Valid Reason For Divorce and Remarriage?

There is one situation in which I personally would accept, even defend divorce and remarriage, although I must tell you that there is no unity among our elders on this. In 1Cor. 7:15, 16, it reads:

“But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?”

I will give you my simple version of this. If an unbeliever walks out on a believer and if that person has nothing to do with it ¾ now, be careful here; I had a Christian friend who drove her husband away so she could argue that the left her, and then argued that he was an unbeliever, though this was an issue in legitimate doubt. I did not tolerate that with her and I would not tolerate it with any other Christian person who was in my jurisdiction ¾ but if the believer is truly abandoned by the unbeliever, then that Christian person has done nothing wrong, nor is there anything wrong going on in the brotherhood since the perpetrator is a non-Christian. That being the case, there is no moral breech or disciplinary action to bring.

The Christian involved is not under bondage in such cases. What bondage is this? Evidently it is the marriage bonds, since there is no other bondage possible and none other in sight. In my view it is saying that this person is quit of that marriage that has been dissolved through no fault of his or her own and is free to remarry. Sometimes the Christian in this situation feels that it is necessary to hold this marriage together at all costs since the salvation of the soul of the unbeliever may hang in the balances. The Apostle seems to say rather simply that this is not the duty or the responsibility of the believer. If this unbeliever wants to go, do not hang onto him (or her), but let him go. You might fight and struggle with him all of his life against his will and desire and not save him anyway in the end. So if he wants out, let him out. You are not, in this case, bound to a single life because he is the one who has dissolved the marriage.

But there are two very important things to keep; in mind here. You cannot simply get by with branding any marriage partner as an unbeliever on any grounds. This must be a legitimate situation. This would ostensibly be a case where the woman, for example, became a Christian and found herself married to an unbeliever who did not want anything to do with her any more for that reason (We would not be sympathetic with the Christian woman who married and unbeliever against the advice of there elders and the Church). I know two women (only two in hundreds of cases over 30 years) to whom this applies and I have told them that I would support them if they wished to remarry, though neither one of them has and I think they were wise not to.

The other thing is an immensely practical consideration and one which makes this whole business of remarriage very sticky and worrisome. You could only marry in the Lord which means that you could only marry a man who had never been married, one who was a widower or one who is in the exact same case as you. It simply will not do to go out and marry a divorced man and that is virtually the only person who is available to a many women because of age and station in life (there are of course exceptions). And do not come to me dragging a man whom neither you nor I know anything about and try to sell me on the idea that he has been misunderstood and his marriage dissolution was not his fault. Before I will bless such a situation and union, I must know all there is to know about who this man is what this situation was, his wife’s side of the story, and so on. In many similar situations, I have seen only retreads, losers and opportunists. Whether or not she knows it, a woman is far better off single than stuck in that kind of a situation and one which she will not be able to get out of with honor for the rest of her life in all likelihood. And so there are many things to consider.

Is this a change of position for me? Perhaps a little. The day when I stop learning, become unteachable, and am so ridged and convinced of my own position that I can no longer change is the day when you should stop listening to me. “Better is a poor and a wise child,” says Eccl. 4:13, “than an old and foolish king, who will no more be admonished,” and goes on to say, in verse 14, that he tries to lead others to freedom while he himself is in the bondage of his own mind in which the light has gone out; and those who have the misfortune to fall under his power go steadily down hill. I plan to continue learning until the day of my death. No I am not an agnostic, yes I believe we can know things, yes I am opinionated and no, I do not think I know everything. In fact, I do not know all there is to know about anything. In this case I think it is more accurate to say, however, that his falls into the category of solidifying a position with which I have wrestled for years than it does of happening on to something new. These verses mean something and if we are to be credible Christian leaders we must not let tradition take precedence over the Bible. We cannot and must not twist the Scriptures to make them say what we or anyone else wants them to say like many do in these situation ethics, no absolute religious world of today. But many people today are in marital desperation and they need all the legitimate help they can get. Nowhere is that truer than in the case of the Christina woman with a house full of Children who has been abandoned by and unbeliever. If there is something here for their benefit and relief we are duty bound not to hide it because it does not square with our affirmations of the past. If we are so insecure and frightened that we dare not even look, then we do not belong in the ministry to begin with.

So in review:

1. People who divorced and remarried before coming into the faith should be accepted by the Church in the marital situation they were in when converted. No attention should be given to, or importance placed upon what they did before coming into the family of God.

2. Divorce and remarriage between Christians in the Church is never to be permitted under any circumstances.

3. If a believer leaves an unbeliever, that believer must remain unmarried or be reconciled to the husband or wife as the case may be.

4. If a believer has been abandoned by an unbeliever through no fault of her or his own, and if that unbeliever has initiated a divorce that is final, that believer may be allowed by the Church to remarry only in the Lord which means not only a Christian person, but a never married Christian or a widow or a widower (unless of course you can find someone in the identical situation as your own and the odds against that are pretty high since there are not very many such people in the Church to begin with).

The great issue here is the moral purity of the family of God. If we cannot accomplish this most basic of all tasks then it is time for Christian leadership to admit that we have no function at all and to give it up as an entirely unworkable system that God has left us. You may do that if you wish but we at Table Mountain Chapel do not choose to do so. We will continue to insist on moral behavior in anything that the church sanctions. beyond that, as members of the Christian community, we hope that our words and our resolute stand on these issues will be a help and encouragement to other leaders who are struggling with this most urgent pressing and important matter.

We did not touch on the subject of spiritual adultery, specifically identified by St. James, as I truly had intended to do and may possibly do next time. In any case, this ends my comments for this journey through the books of the Law, on the physical, domestic aspect of this subject. I hope you have found these comments helpful. It is not necessary to agree with everything I have said in order to find counsel, advice. and even possibly comfort in these words. God bless you and yours in the all important endeavor to implement biblical and moral sanity in your marriage.